So, this is new to me, and I am feeling anxious. This is a huge thing for me to do so anxiety is normal. Normalising my anxiety, thoughts and feelings is what has led to me writing this blog at this point in my life.
I want to do this blog because I am in a place within myself that I need to share, I have a sense of peace and calm that I have never had before and it has changed my life, and will continue to change me for the better as I am a “WORK IN PROGRESS”
Until I take my last breath there will always be room for improvement, this allows room for growth. I don’t have all the answers and I will always look for more if I need to.
I’ve had lots of different types of therapy, all of which helped me at the time, however I was at a point where I felt there was no help left for me, I was talking to a psychologist at the time for help with my fibromyalgia and she helped me realise I was already managing the battles of my conflicting health conditions. She also reminded me of techniques I learned during my different therapies and that I knew how to use these and that when I do use them, they do work. It is so true, and I now use them daily.
I am 33 on the 31st of August 2021 and I have spent my whole life being told that how I am feeling is stupid, or I was letting the person who hurt me win by letting them affect my life, this is so much more damaging than I feel anyone knew. Now I am not saying it was intentional, there are several factors behind this, it could be society, upbringing or even because that particular issue was too hard for them to deal with. None of these are excuses or justifications, because nobody has the right to make you feel stupid, inadequate or that your feelings aren’t real or don’t matter.
Now I know this, and it is still sometimes very difficult to remind myself, I will always work towards normalising my thoughts and feelings and putting out there that no matter who the toxic people are in your life or what relationship you have that is toxic “YOU CAN CUT IT OFF.” It has been said to stop gangrene from spreading you have to cut off the infected limb. This is a very extreme phrase, and the reason I have chosen to use it is because toxicity is very extreme and the damage it causes is very similar to gangrene in the way that it spreads.
I am currently teaching myself that everything I think, and feel is very normal and allowing myself to actually feel things and go through the motions to deal with and process the situation in a healthy and sustainable manner.
I’m allowing myself to feel the good, the bad, and the ugly because it is the way I process and heal it, so I can move forward and find happiness.
None of this is easy and hasn’t happened overnight, and this is so important to remember. Life isn’t meant to be easy, we would all be bored if it was, that being said it shouldn’t be this hard either, however there are ways to handle these situations that will help you.
Also, the people in your life are a part of how you handle things. I can honestly say now that the people I have in my life have only positive influences on me, I have closed and welded the door shut on anyone that has become toxic to my physical or mental health, and if anyone in my future becomes toxic, whether that’s new or old people they will be removed and welded behind another door as there is no limit to the number of doors I can weld shut.
Now toxic people can be anyone in your life, including Parents, Friends, Siblings, Partners, Colleagues and Other Family Members. Just remember that NO-ONE and I mean NO-ONE has the right to make you feel stupid, inadequate or that you or your feelings don’t matter, the list of things people don’t have the right to make you feel is endless, but this would be the worlds longest blog if I listed them all.
Now I am going to talk to you about some of the tools I use to help me. . .
I do yoga a few times a week as I am unable to do exercise that is too strenuous, so I find yoga great, it is soft, and it works. I also use a weighted hula-hoop and during this time I keep my mind clear of everything, this gives me time to breathe and reset. I started to practice meditation which was proving to be a useful tool, however it is extremely spiritual, and this isn’t something I am ready for, so I am using some of the tools from my CBT and other therapies to replace meditation for the moment.
The biggest tool for me to date, must be grounding techniques as this helps me relax my body without going into meditation. This is key to gaining the level of peace that I have achieved, and that level will continue to grow throughout my life as I learn new things and my life may change, as things do naturally and with my effort and hard work I CAN and WILL achieve all the things I want to.
These tools are brilliant, but I have to say that my support network is amazing, I know that I am so lucky to have these few people in my life, especially after ridding my life of toxicity. They are the best people, and they all help me immensely and I would be lost without them. When anything happens be it good or bad, I have to talk it out or I tend to drive myself insane overthinking and convincing myself of worst-case scenarios, and I can talk to them all and gain different perspectives because they are all different.
Having a good support network is really important because it has such an influence on every aspect of your life. I didn’t realise how deep the toxicity went until I removed it and started to believe in myself and do more self-care. My life has changed so much in such a short time, some good, some bad, but how I handle it all is so different in a good way, so much so I am smiling as I write this.
It is an amazing feeling knowing that I can change how I see myself and not let anyone drain my self-worth, NOT A CHANCE IN HELL. After 32 years of being made to feel stupid, inadequate and like I don’t matter, it is hard to undo all of that and I still have a way to go, but I am 100% on the right path, I am still learning and that makes me happy because this means that I will continue to grow and that I have so much to look forward to, and I just want to add that although I choose to not have a toxic relationship with anyone does not mean that I’ve stopped loving them or caring, it just means that I choose myself and that to me is extremely important and I am 100% GRATEFUL that I have learned this lesson at an early age, so that I can apply this to every aspect of my life, for example, I was told something the other night that instantly made me mad, but I chose to talk it out because I know when I do this I quickly realise it is a reflection of them and not me, and that is my SUPERPOWER!!
I can proudly say that I am at peace and genuinely happy and I am looking forward to what my future holds, who knows I may come back with another blog to update you all on my story. . .
I AM LOVED AND I AM ENOUGH AND SO ARE YOU! TELL YOURSELF THIS EVERY DAY BECAUSE IT IS TRUE!!
Thank you for taking the time to read part of my story.